when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
