Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
