i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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