I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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