New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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