i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Randomize
