everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
