You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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