you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
