My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
