I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
