Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
