My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
