Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
