was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
