Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Just cropdusted the office
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
