this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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