I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
