Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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