My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
