i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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