I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
