Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
