this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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