My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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