Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
