I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
