just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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