I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
