Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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