i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
