For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
