my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I wish life had little blips of pornography
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
