Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
