I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
