I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
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