why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
