When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
