apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You dont lie about slip and slides
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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