I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
my shit smells like andre
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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