there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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