so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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