I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
