It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
