well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
