my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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