Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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