I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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