Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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