hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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