I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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