Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
