i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
