Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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