I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
