My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
