I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
