dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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