Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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