if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
